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6.9.05 This Just In: Bush Declares War on Antarctica

In last night's State of the Union address, US president Bush sought to combat his plummeting approval ratings by announcing that Antarctica has been added to the now four-nation Axis of Evil along with Iraq, North Korea and Iran. "Our intelligence briefings have shown that Hurricane Katrina is clearly linked to Global Warming, and the ringleaders of Global Warming are Antarctic glaciers."

Bush went on to comment that the destruction of New Orleans and the staggering death toll meant that glaciers were a bigger threat to America than Osama bin-Laden and he would re-prioritise American military objectives accordingly. Partial excerpts of the address follow:

"My fellow citizens, at this hour American and coalition forces are in the early stages of military operations to disarm the glaciers, to free the native penguins from their Emperors, and to defend the world from grave danger.

On my orders, coalition forces have begun striking selected targets of military importance to undermine Global Warming's ability to wage war. These are opening stages of what will be a broad and concerted campaign.

In this conflict, America faces an enemy who has no regard for conventions of war or rules of morality. Global Warming has placed Weather of Mass Destruction in civilian areas, attempting to use innocent American men, women and children as victims for its own propaganda campaign and committing untold atrocities against our great country."

Hollywood celebrities have already begun vocal protests against the Antarctic War, with Susan Sarandon allegedly saying, "Iraq was one thing. But endangering the lives of innocent animals is unacceptable. Will nobody think of the seals? President Bush should resign." Sean Penn was reported as saying, "Which one's Antarctica? Is that the one on the top, or the one on the bottom?"

In a later announcement it was confirmed that Fox's Glacier Mints shall be re-named Freedom Mints in a show of solidarity and that sales of tickets to 'March of the Penguins' have dropped to nothing following protests to distributors and lobbying from morality groups.

When asked for comment by our Antarctic correspondent, an emperor penguin said "eeep."

(click here for Hurricane Katrina relief charities)

( 2:51 PM )

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